Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
