I want to make a zoo with you.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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