FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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