I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
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