In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
