we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize