I wish you could order shots online.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
