I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
