Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
