It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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