you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize