You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
