We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
