my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
