Buhtt sex?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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