Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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