Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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