After last night, I could never be a politician.
I bet he comes in French.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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