At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
