***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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