And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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