Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Randomize