He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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