Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
