I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize