im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
