I want you more than these girls want KFC
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
