are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
