Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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