Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
