i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
