I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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