apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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