I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
