if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
