Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
