The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
