i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I AM VODKA MAN
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
