I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
