Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
