Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
