: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
