So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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