I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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