i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
