I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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