By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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