Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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