Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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