hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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