Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
