I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
