Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
