I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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