I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
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