I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Randomize
