May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she pinky promised me she was 18
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
