My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
