this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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