doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize