his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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