we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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